The seven shades of inner critic

This week I’ve been home and out of action with covid. It’s been an uncomfortable week. Not just because of the physical symptoms but the narrative that’s been circulating over and over.

The first thought I had right after I arranged the week off was: “Think of all the things I can get done at home”. The immediate thought after that was: “Settle down, you’re not even well enough to walk the dog!”

And so it began, a week of misjudging what I was able to do, all because god forbid I’d ever be unproductive. I mean to think of all the opportunities I was missing out on! Wild I know.

It amazes me how even with all the training and awareness behind me, my inner critic can sneak up on me. But that’s just it. We never really grow out of them or get rid of them. We continually learn to live with them and meet each thought with kindness and understanding.

Jay Earley and Barry Weiss, American psychologists/psychotherapists are considered experts in the inner critic field. Through their clinical work and research they propose that there are seven types of inner critics. Each has their own intention and presentation. 

You might be able to identify with a few, maybe even all of them on one occasion or another. However, there will be one or two that stand out strongly, in that they cause you stress and difficulty. Let’s explore them.

Perfectionist

Sounds like: “It’s not good enough” “It’s not ready” “It’s not my best work”

Intention: It sets the bar extremely high to ensure you do things perfectly or to the highest possible standard. It has difficulty accepting that good can be good enough as it fears judgement, criticism of quality. 

Taskmaster

Sounds like: “Just another hour and then you can switch off” “If I do all of this now, then I’ll successful”

Intention: Drives you to work hard, accomplish a lot and be successful for fear of perceived laziness or mediocrity. When it pushes it can cause procrastination and feelings of stuckness and shame. 

Conformist

Sounds like: “What do they think of me” “They don’t approve” 

Intention: Tries to get you to ‘fit the mould’ of your family, culture or society and prevents you from authentically expressing yourself. 

Underminer

Sounds like: “You won’t get the promotion anyway, so why bother”

Intention: To undermine your self-worth and confidence. This inner critic is risk averse and strives to keep you playing small as it fears hurt, rejection or failure. 

Destroyer

Sounds like: “You can’t get anything right” “You’re worthless”

Intention: To shame you, diminishing your sense of self so that you believe you are not worthy of understanding, respect and care. This is the most debilitating of the inner critics and more often than not, stems from childhood trauma. 

Guilt-Tripper

Sounds like: “How could you…” “They haven’t forgotten/forgiven you either” 

Intention: To protect you from repeating mistakes of the past by never letting you forget or feel free but in doing so, it doesn’t allow you to forgive yourself and move on. 

Inner Controller

Sounds like: “Once you start, that’s it” “You have no willpower”

Intention: It fears indulgence or addiction, so in an effort to protect you from yourself this critic attempts to modulate your impulses and prevent pleasure that could spiral out of control through shaming and harsh rhetoric.

A gentle reminder: you may not be able to completely halt the thoughts or banish the critic. But certainly understanding it’s motivation for showing up can loosen the grip it has on you a little.

For me, the taskmaster really made herself known. But I get it, she wants me to do well. And as I keep gently explaining to her, sometimes less means more. Sometimes, having it all doesn’t mean doing it all at once, especially you’re unwell. So I gave myself permission to consume the latest season of Firefly Lane.

What are you giving yourself permission to do?

Vivienne is a mental health nurse, meditation practitioner, and trained Mindful Self-Compassion teacher. She works passionately to help other busy professionals press pause and take care of themselves in ways that align with their schedules and values. If the inner critic is something you’d like to work on bettering your relationship to, consider working with Vivienne in a Soulful Sit.